love

im was not an easy child to my parents...i was opinionated, stubborn and at times to vocal for my own good...but that was how i grew up to be myself... there were differences, there were heartaches...but i believe time does heal...that and distance...i love my mom so much...i wrote this for her some time ago...

I was hesitant to knock on the gates even if what was in front of me was ours for the longest time.

It has been more than 12 years since I have gazed upon the green painted sheet metal gates that served as the entrance of my family’s compound. From what I can remember, there was not as much flakes and groups of rust that clung to the surface.  In fact, what I can remember is the freshly painted smell of enamel on the newly installed gate as I stormed out in anger and frustration that fateful night I decided to finally leave and look for love that I wasn’t feeling within the confines of that claustrophobic compound.

My eyes were stinging though the cold night air was there to keep me company as I ran away. I never did give a backward glance; much was my belief that all I had to do was walk away and the love that I could see in other people was just for me for the taking.  All I had to do was go out there and somehow it will be ok.

I can vividly remember the words of anger that assaulted me, words that have always been a part of my daily routine for as far as I can remember.  I was hurt and I was devastated by everything.  I did not feel anything, numb perhaps or just filled up to the brim that nothing can get inside anymore.  I remember my mom’s words; the admonition, the warning and thoughts that I did not want to listen to because they go against what I want to hear.  Perhaps, that was the lowest day of my life.

I travelled far and wide after that night.  I snatched love from otherwise lukewarm arms that never really mattered.  I stole feelings from others whose lives and relationships I envied simply because I was looking for the feeling and convinced myself that it was just for my taking.  I became a pariah of sorts, a snake in the guise of a friend that strikes out when things are going my way.

In all those years, I believed I found the emotions I was looking for.  I convinced myself I was happy although when I really think about it, there was something lacking in the way I felt.  There was no warmth in the otherwise hot encounters; there was no meaning in the words that I hear.  I induced myself to think that everything was as it should be…I told myself I was happy.

I had countless friends, people whose thoughts and way of life greatly mirrored my own.  I was drunk with what I thought was what life truly should be; night outs and drinking sessions that more often than not loosened our tongues to speak out our hidden hurts and release morals and made us follow our hurts to forget them in the company of innumerable strangers.

During those years, I did not really think of what lies for me in the future.  I constantly whispered to myself that I was happy because I have found the love that I thought lacking.

A decade past and then two more years, I woke up finally to a feeling of loss.  It was so palpable that I felt it alive and choking me, a fierce and hard reminder that I was lost in a sea of complexity I had created for myself.  I realized I was not looking for love all those years but merely looking for the self that I lost in my feelings of envy and selfishness.

All of a sudden, I felt the hurt and the years of counterfeit happiness come crashing down on me. I was reminded of the tears trapped in my mom’s eyes when I failed to realize the love that she has always had for me, the hurt in them when I questioned and left her all alone to face the everyday hurts and aches that I could have shared with her those 12 years I was gone.

Ashamed yet sure that I would always be welcomed, I stand in front of the gate, raised my hands and knocked…